Well, I think I may have experienced my first bout of
homesickness since I was 4 years old and my dad dropped me off at my cousins’
house where things were so different that all I wanted to do was go home. I’m
not sure if that’s what this strange feeling was over this weekend, but that’s
what I’m going with, because that’s the best I can sum up and ascribe these
feelings to. Things are actually going
really well here at the dorm. But I do miss my family and friends at home who
just get me. I really do enjoy the
people I work with, and even the other ResLife staff who aren’t in my
dorm. But even though I have been here
for about 20 months, being here feels like starting over socially. While sometimes that can be a good thing—it
can be freeing not being in the box so many of our loved ones often put us in,
it also can be hard. No one here really
knows my history, how I grew up, where I have just come from…any of those
things that kinda make you, you. And yes, while there are advantages to that, I
miss just being able to talk to a friend who knows me, my family, where I live,
in what culture I live, all these different things, without trying to explain
it. And there’s some things I feel I
cannot even explain, things that would make others feel uncomfortable, or they
wouldn’t understand, or that’s just not so okay to share. And so I miss that
familiarity I have at home. To make matters feel worse, I feel there’s not much
time at all to Skype and talk to those of you back at home. My schedule is so
tight, and so many of your schedules are so tight. Not to mention the typical
9-hour time difference. It ends up being so much work to figure out a time to
skype, if there is time available, and if the Internet is working. This weekend
I feel like my heart hurt because I miss family and friends, familiarity, but
to touch that, be connected to that feels almost impossible. And honestly, this
is kind of hard to admit—this homesickness.
I feel like I’m not usually phased by missing home—I mean, I’ve had to
switch homes every week, multiple times a week, since I was 4. It’s just a part
of life living out of a suitcase, it seems.
But for the first time since I was 4, I feel like this sadness in my
heart may be what I am feeling. And this
is me trying to be more real about what mission work here in Germany is like. :)
BTWs, I also very much miss the ocean. I am miles, or should I say kilometers, away
from the ocean here in Germany. But at
home, it’s my backyard (which I realize I am very blessed to have).
Nonetheless, I have always lived near the ocean, could smell the salty spray,
feel the cool breeze on my cheeks and in my hair, could hear waves break
against the shore and the fog horn blaring in the early morning, hear the seals
barking in the distance, the sound of boats racing by, see the sunset glimmer
on the water, or the moon light up the dark sea. There’s just a calmness that
the ocean gives me. Something about not being landlocked, about having this wide, open
blue before me. Somehow reminding me of
God’s love for me. The deep, vastness of
how He loves me. I could look out over the ocean, as far as my eyes could see,
and know that His love for me was somehow similar—farther than I realize,
deeper than I know.
In any case, Hillsong United just came out with a song called
“Oceans,” and I of course am in love with it and wanted to share:
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior."
