Learning How to Die.

Learning how to die. I feel like that is definitely what I have been learning lately.  And you’d think having been in the dorm for almost 2 years now, I would have it down, that I would have already learned this. But yes, 2 years in, I am definitely still trying to understand this, to do this—to die to myself.  Being an RA is such a busy position. I feel like I go, go, go all the time. I feel like I am constantly pouring into the girls, into other people, and I feel like, selfishly, there is no one here pouring into me. I feel like God is specifically trying to work on this with me. Lately I have been so aggravated and upset about not feeling like someone is caring for me as I have been caring for the girls.  (It can be hard in a constantly changing community where people are always leaving (my 2 good friends both left last year) and with having a 9 hour time difference with family and friends back at home—skyping and communication is so hard!).

But then at an engagement party, a pastor spoke a few words to the newly engaged couple, but I felt like he was speaking directly to me.  He quoted Luther about sin, and how it is man curved inwards, always demanding his needs be met.  And that is exactly how I have been feeling.  My focus, shamefully, has been turned inwards.  While I care for the girls, I have been desperately wishing someone would do the same to me.  Don’t get me wrong; I do definitely feel that it is healthy to get rest and to get what you need, but I realized that I had been so focused on myself that I was get irritable.  It was all about me. And then I remembered a quote a little girl with cancer who spoke at my high school soccer banquet said, “It’s not about me. It’s about Christ working in me.”  And that’s really what life is about. It’s about putting others’ needs above myself. It’s about being sacrificial.  It’s about giving up my life, my needs, and wants, for His name, for His glory—and practically that looks like being sacrificial to my girls, to my staff, to my fellow RAs, and strangers I don’t even know.  Holding them in a higher regard than myself. 

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.” 1 John 3:16

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13

I’m not going to lie.  Being an RA can be really exhausting.  And I definitely don’t have dying to myself down anywhere remotely perfect, but this is definitely what I feel the Lord is teaching me.  Jesus laid down his life for us.  Even in his daily activities, he was always helping, healing, and loving on people.  And being on the mission field, I often feel like that (maybe not healing people ;)). He had his friends caring for him, but he also always made sure to get away and have alone time with his Father who poured into him.  One of my favorite observations is that he also allowed for interruptions, for the unexpected.  On his journeys, he stopped for those he saw on the side of the road, those he wasn’t necessarily expecting to meet; but he stopped and cared for them anyways.  And when I think of it, those are times I have really enjoyed the most—when it’s 11:30 at night and I’m pooped, but there’s a girl who wants and needs to talk.  I may be so exhausted that night and even wake up the next day even more tired, but inside there is a joy I have found in laying down my need, say for sleep, to bless someone else.  And I think that is what Jesus meant when he said:

“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” Matthew 16:24-25

Sure, I think “life” can sometimes literally mean sacrificing the physical life and being a martyr, but in more every day terms, I’m finding that it means my needs, my wants, my desires.  It may not always or ever be so easy, but I think there is definitely life and joy in giving it up for others, for the sake of my God.  So I’m trying to press on and remember that it isn’t about me and continuing to pour into my girls, to pour out as Jesus poured out and to be refilled by our Father, and attempt to make my girls more and more beautiful, to present them before the Lord pure and spotless.  

Dorm Retreat to Paris!

Last weekend, we took the girls on a most epic dorm retreat to…PARIS!! One of our girls’ dads is the pastor at the American Church in Paris, so we were able to stay in the church’s basement/gym.  So after school on Friday we packed all our girls, their backpacks, and sleeping bags in 3 vans and made the 7-hour drive to Paris.  And what a wonderful weekend it was!

            Since we weren’t able to leave until 4 o’clock on Friday, we didn’t make it to Paris until 11pm.  But the drizzly late night didn’t stop our girls from walking the amazingly short distance to the sparkly Eiffel Tower (it glitters on the hour every hour and we just happened to make it for the midnight ‘showing’).  The next morning we did a self-guided group tour through parts of Paris, reaching the Eiffel Tower yet again, the Arc de Triomphe, and the Champs d’Elysee.  At the Champs d’Elysee, we stopped for lunch at a pizza place—all 20 of us. From there, we allowed the girls a few hours of free time to explore the city.  It’s amazing—I had no qualms about letting them roam the city, and none of them seemed to be nervous about having that freedom.  I know I would not have been okay with that when I was in high school, but these are definitely a different population of high schoolers—ones who have lived all over the world and have grown up traveling on subways and buses and reading maps.  They very much enjoyed this time, and to my surprise, most of them spent their time shopping for a banquet dress—I guess what better place than the fashion city of Paris—although most assuredly many of the dresses were out of their price range. 

Sparkling Eiffel Tower Night #1

Witt at the Eiffel Tower

I love my Witt Chicks. :) *Some of the girls are holding Flat Stanleys of the four girls who chose not to come with us due to soccer games that weekend. Even though they weren't physically there, we tried to get them there somehow!

My Co-RAs Sarah, Emily, and I.

Anna unexpectedly gave me a kiss. ;)

The girls at the Arc D'Triumphe

            Later that night, we returned to the church for a lasagna dinner together and a birthday celebration for our girl whose place we were staying at.  Her birthday isn’t until June, but we thought it would be fun to celebrate with her dorm sisters AND her parents and grandparents who were visiting. After dinner, we played games like spoons, basketball, and volleyball in the gym, and finished the night by one more sparkly evening at the Eiffel Tower.

Rebecca's birthday celebration!

Some of our Korean girls loving on each other. :)

Hanging out in the gym.

Evening games in the gym.

Two of our girls enjoying crepes underneath the sparkly Eiffel Tower.

            Sunday, our last day, my Co-RA Emily and I went and bought pastries from a Parisian bakery for the girls before we had a time of worship and headed off yet one last time to the Eiffel Tower for some last minute pictures.  After difficultly trying to round the girls up to leave Paris, we finally began our long journey back around 1pm.

            All in all, our dorm retreat to Paris was really short and tiring as a staff member, but it was such a sweet time with the girls and so much fun to bless them with such an unexpected, big trip. And I feel like that’s how God is with us.  He longs to bless us.  To knock our socks off. And He knows exactly how to do it; He knows what makes us smile and what warms our hearts, whether it’s a beautiful sunset, a deep connection with a friend, a good hearty laugh, or even something like a quick weekend to Paris.  The more I am an RA here, the more I am understanding how my parents love me, and even more so, how my Heavenly Father loves me as His child.  So much more in the Bible and in life make sense in taking care of and serving these 19 high school girls. 

“If you, then, though you are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”

Matthew 7:11